A Different Way: discipline

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How I Probably Need to Change as a Parent

As a parent of adult children (who now have children of their own), Mark Altrogge reflects on Things I Would Do Differently If I Were Raising My Children Again. He lists a total of 7 things, but these three stood out to me as ways I probably need to change:

I wouldn’t emphasize manners as much.
I would try to draw them out more as teenagers.
I would try not to expect our kids to change their attitudes immediately.

Intrigued? Read the full article here.

Related Links:

No Regrets in Parenting and Marriage

Willy Wonka Parenting

"We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it."

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

Recently, I watched Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory with my kids. No, not the newer Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, with creepy and quirky Johnny Depp. We watched the original movie, with creepy and quirky Gene Wilder.

While the movie's quality was enough just for the pure enjoyment, we also got into some good discussions about life and decisions: Would you take and sell the Everlasting Gobstopper, to provide for your poor family? Where is that child's hope? Do you think he should have done that? Why?

This movie was full of wisdom and morals (and just some plain humor), and not just for kids. It contains many parent lessons as well.

Who better to teach about parenting that the Oompa Loompas! Let's hear what they say about gluttony, compulsive habits, spoiling, and television, and then compare it to what God has spoken.

Oompa Loompas (OLs): "If you are wise, you'll listen to me."
God (in Proverbs 8:1): "Does not wisdom call, And understanding lift up her voice?"

Gluttony

"What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it." (OLs)

"Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat,
for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags." (Proverbs 23:20-21)

Hey, I love to eat as much as anyone (or more!). I like to say that eating is my hobby or spiritual gift. While we can enjoy food, my metabolism has slowed down in my old age. I need to be wise in how I eat, and set a good example for my kids.

Compulsive Habits

"Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while
It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile
But it's repulsive, revolting, and wrong
Chewing and chewing all day long.
The way that a cow does." (OLs)

"Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun. . . .
The wise person has his eyes in his head, but the fool walks in darkness. And yet I perceived that the same event happens to all of them." (Ecclesiastes 2:11,14)

Nothing is inherently wrong with chewing gum, and it even has it's good aspects. In the same way (in counter to the point above about eating well), nothing is wrong with eating healthy or exercising. But remember that being "healthy" can be just as much of a idol and sin as gluttony is.

All our good efforts will be as much in vain as our negative behaviors, if done apart from the hope of Jesus Christ.

Spoiling

"Who do you blame when your kid is a brat?
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat
Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame
You know exactly who's to blame.
The mother and the father." (OLs)

"Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." (Proverbs 13:24)

Spanking is a hot topic, and I'm not afraid to write about its dangers or what the Bible says. We parents must remember that our ultimate goal must be to reach the hearts of our children. While we cannot control the outcome, we must remember that we are constantly teaching and training our children by what we do for them, or fail to do for them.

The core issue (for us parents) is not what we do (or don't do) for them, but why we do (or don't do) something.

Television

"What do you get from a glut of TV?
A pain in the neck and an IQ of three
Why don't you try simply reading a book?
Or can you just not bear to look?
You'll get no... you'll get no... you'll get no commercials." (OLs)

"A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man." (Proverbs 24:33-34)

As with chewing gum, working out, eating healthy, and other pleasures, there is nothing inherently wrong with watching TV (or for modern parenting, playing video games). But when it crowds out reading and other constructive endeavors, it is certainly harmful.

For more specifically on the topic of reading and television, check out The Importance of Reading to Children, and The Battle of Reading vs Screen Time.

Wisdom Calls Out

So then, if you want to be a better parent, listen to the Oompa Loompas. Strike that.

If you want to be a better parent, seek God and His wisdom.

Have you watched this movie (or both versions) with your children? What are your thoughts?

"So shines a good deed in a weary world."

"We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it."

"Hey, Sender"

After we watched Run DMC videos, this happened.

Two months ago, my wife and kids walked into a high school, and she heard a group of teenagers called out, "Hey, Sender!"

A few weeks later, I walked into an elementary school with my kids, and some children called out, "Hey, Sender!"

As a family who is homeschooling, our kids do not attend either of these schools. And yet our youngest child is known by students at these schools, and many others. What in the world is going on here?

The teenagers and children who spoke to him are his leaders and friends, respectively, from our church. Getting to know people like them is one of the main reasons he proudly proclaims that Sunday is his favorite day of the week. (The other reason is, "We get to learn about God.")

There is no doubt that Sender Philip, who turns 8 years old today, is our family's social butterfly.

A Pure Extrovert

"Outgoing" doesn't begin to describe Sender. He thrives off of being around people. He gets energized by being with others, which is the complete opposite of his Dad and brother. He's happy to play with one friend, but the more people the better!

His best friends are the seven year old boy who lives across the street, and puppy that lives next door. He could play with either of them for hours each day. Yes, the puppy that has given him bruises and scratches all over his body. All over. Seriously.

We have been to three First Lego League robotics competitions. Sender has never been on a team officially, but he makes the most of it. He connects with children from other teams, and collects more buttons from other teams than anyone else I see, despite the fact that he has little (or nothing) to offer in return.

Sender doesn't just enjoy being in a crowd. His energy tank is filled by it. He could survive all day at one of those robotics events -- sustained by a few pieces of candy and 200 points of contact with children and adults. Man does not live on bread alone, . . . and Sender needs relationships.

And he doesn't just seek to get things from others (although he struggles with selfishness, like any boy his age, or like his Dad, for that matter). He uses his innate relational skills to bless others, too.

Last month was my wife's birthday. One Sunday at church, he had some extra time and decided to make his mother a birthday card. Nothing special there, right?

Well, not only did Sender present Joanna with his handmade card on her birthday. . . . He also gave her a half-dozen others, made by his classmates at church. And as much as I know him, I'm sure he didn't beg them to make cards for some lady that most of them have never met.

I think they made cards for Joanna because they love and enjoy Sender. His relational influence extended beyond the circle of his own self.

Controlling the Energy

Besides his extroversion, we also know that Sender needs to exert physical energy regularly. If the weather has been bad, and he's stuck inside for a few days, he gets especially ornery. He loves to wrestle, run, and roll on the ground, inside or outside. (I prefer him to do the latter.)

Of course, playing outside with friends (or being on the baseball team in Allendale for the past three years) combines the best of both worlds -- exercise and friends. He is looking forward to playing on the baseball team in the Greater Sullivan Neighborhood next spring!

We love that he has lots of energy, and that he loves to be around people. Our challenge is to help channel his physical and social energy.

He needs to learn to calm down when needed, to not roughhouse so much, and to be aware of who is around him before he does something in play. (Like when he didn't notice his Mom was behind him when he swung a stick. Congrats, Sweetie -- your first black eye!)

And he needs to learn that the goal in his life isn't about getting people to like Him. So we regularly have to talk to him about not trying to be the "star of the show."

Of course, we are thankful for how he reflects the image of God. When he shows energy, he reflects God's nature of action. When he sings and draws and builds, he reflects God's creativity. And when he engages with others in love and friendship, he reflects God's desire to be in a relationship.

We are thankful for this boy today and everyday.

Happy Birthday, Sender!!

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

Father to Son

Help! He's getting closer to being a teenager!

Dads -- Do you have father-son talks with you boys? Do you pass on bits of wisdom through a few extended conversations, or do these nuggets of truth come through more regular but smaller talks?

If you are like me, you do both. You have some main topics (such as about salvation, sexuality, education, and leadership) that you cover in detail. But you still sprinkle in brief insights and guide points along the way.

And if you're like me, you are never really sure how much of it sinks in. But that's not the point. Our job is to keep leading our families, to keep training our children, and to keep passing on wisdom.

My Son

Tomorrow, my son Elijah has a birthday. We have had lots of conversations over the past 11 years. I've made my share of mistakes, and have said and done some damaging things. But I know that God has given me much wisdom to pass on to him.

I'm thankful for the resources I've had, so that I can be a good father to Elijah. I've had access to books, parenting classes, friends, mentors, and (most importantly) God the Holy Spirit. But all the resources don't make a difference until I put them into action. And I'm always looking for more parenting ideas and help.

I enjoyed this article from Nick Batzig, Father-to-Son Talks. He explains that the book of Proverbs gives at least 10 father-to-son talks, which can provide a framework for all of us parents:

1:8-19 --> Be teachable; resist temptation
2:1-22 --> Seek God's wisdom, and avoid evil
3:1-12 --> Trust God (godly counselors, with wealth, in His discipline)
4:10-27 --> Pursue righteousness and truth
5:1-23 --> Avoid sexual immorality
6:1-35 --> Work hard; avoid sexual immorality
7:1-27 --> Avoid sexual immorality
23:19-35 --> Avoid drunkenness
24:13-22 --> Seek wisdom; avoid wicked rebels
27:11-27 --> Be careful who you associate with

(Of course, breaking down the book into 10 talks may not be biblically-accurate, especially since the chapter breaks are a later addition. But this is a good place to start.)

I've never specifically taught my kids these passages, but it looks like something worthwhile!

Some of My Own Words

Here are some things I've talked to Elijah about, over the past year. I hope a fraction of these have sunk in, or at least shaped him in a small way:

As a man, we are called to make things better. Anytime we walk into a room, we should be thinking how we can make it better for others.

When you elevate yourself and your skills above others, you are elevating yourself above God, who created everyone in His image.

Manhood is when you produce more than you consume. You are called to be a provider. (HT: Art of Manliness)

Like you, I have doubts sometimes. But we can't get stuck just thinking about them. We have to take action in faith, and then let God verify Himself.

When you ignore or reject authority over you, you are rejecting God, who gives all authority. When it comes to your leaders, you are not equal in roles.

When you make the world and your community better, you reflect the image of God, as He is working to restore this broken world.

One day, you may have to fight. But don't fight for yourself. Be ready to step in between an aggressor and someone who needs protecting. You may get hurt shielding that person, but God will reward you, and so will I!

God has wired you up to do something. There will always be things you have to do which you don't enjoy. But there will be some things that you know that God made you for. As much as you can, move towards those things.

(You may be wondering how I remember saying these things to him. I keep a journal for each of my kids. I write in each one a couple of times per month, about what is going on in their lives.)

The Blessing of Teaching My Son

More than anything, I'm glad that I get to be my son's primary discipler. (Of course, my wife is involved heavily, too, but in this case I feel the burden lies on me.) I am glad that God has entrusted me to disciple my son, and to "train him up in the way that he should go" (Proverbs 22:6).

It is a blessing to teach my son.

Happy Birthday, Elijah!!

"A wise son makes a glad father,
but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother."
Proverbs 10:1

Parenting Resources

A quick compilation of some great parenting articles I've come across recently. You may not have time to read all, so pick a couple that seem to interest you the most.

A Prayer for the Parent's Soul
Thoughts on Psalm 143, from Jonathan Parnell. "Parenting is inescapably the work of waiting. But here, in this place of uncertainty, through this prayer, we remember the clear picture of God’s love in the cross and victory of Jesus."

Manvotional: General Douglas MacArthur's Prayer for His Son
Short, sweet, and inspiring.

5 Bad Substitutes for Discipline
If you had a choice between following my blog and Tim Challies, pick the latter. Here's some parenting wisdom he gleaned from a book he's read.

Be Ready to Answer Your Kids Questions About the Bible
Jon Bloom gives simple and thorough explanations to some apologetics-related questions. Then, you can read about when my son asked, "How do we know that Jesus is real?"

Three Reasons to Attend Corporate Worship
And another self-promoting plug for my own blog, you may want to check out What If My Child Doesn't Want to Go to Church? (Yes, we've struggled with this issue in our family, too.)

What Lead You to Become an Atheist? Some Surprising Answers
Not a strictly parenting article, but one that parents need to consider as they think about their own church attendance and membership. To sum it up: having your child go to church is not enough!!!

Why Repentance Must Be Central to Your Ministry
Again, not strictly about parenting, but a great reminder that every ministry or work we have (including discipling our children) must start with our repentance. Click on the link above, just watch it below:

Did you recently come across any helpful parenting resources? Let us know in the comments.

The Gospel for Middle Schoolers (and You)

Last week, I talked about the importance of the "why" of the gospel. But because I'm a parent of a middle-schooler, and an almost-middle-schooler, and because I lead a group of 6th grade boys in my church's student ministry, I am still thinking about this issue.

In fact, it's on my mind so much, I wrote another guest post for Family Matters. I hope you'll check it out.

It's called Helping Middle School Students Understand the Gospel.

In this post, I break down the gospel message into three parts (and I think much more clearly than in last week's post), and talk about why we tend to gloss over two-thirds of that message.

By the time you finish, I hope that you'll come to a deeper understanding of why your child (or student) needs the gospel, and why you need it, too.

Read the article, and I'd love to hear your feedback and questions (either here, or on the Family Matters blog).

Related Links:

Raising Disciples in 3 Steps

From Matt Blackwell, on Verge Network:

"Parents have to work hard to build a Christ-centered home and not a kid-centered home, because a kid-centered home produces self-centered adults. Parents have to constantly strive to take their kids out of the center of the family and remind them that Christ is the center."

Taking cues from Deuteronomy 6:5-9, Blackwell highlights three sequential steps in discipling our children:

On your hearts: "As a parent your first step in making disciples of your kids is to be a disciple."
Impress them on your children: This involves both discipline ("A parent’s role, especially a Father, is not to crush his children but to cultivate them.") and delight ("Parents, you are to rejoice in and delight in the blessing of your kids today, not in some future version of them.")
Talk about them: "Don’t let discipleship be isolated to Sundays, but let it be a natural part of your day."

Be sure to read the full article, 3 Steps to Raising Disciples.

Related Links:

Love Jesus, Love Your Kids
Passing on Your Faith
Don't Be a Seasonal Christian Parent
7 Bible Passages About Discipling Children
Not Just Kids -- Part 2 (Parents)
Must-Read Parenting Articles (March 2014)

**image courtesy of Kodiak1 via RGBstock.com

Power in the Absence of Words

In the first part (Power in Words), I outlined three areas that my son and I struggle in our speech: Boasting, Correcting, and Tricking. Here are the last two areas: Manipulating and Ignoring.

Manipulating

"Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person." Colossians 4:6

Is there any more of annoying sound than a child whining? Probably – an adult whining.

And that’s the point of parenting. We are not raising children as much as we are building future men and women. It is much easier to teach, correct, rebuke, and train them when they are young, then them having to unlearn negative behaviors when they are older. And certainly, this is much better than them dealing with the effects of a lifetime of anti-social behavior.

Most kids (and adults, me included) tend to manipulate others through pouting and whining, instead of using words and conversation And we train kids to do this when we give in to their emotional manipulation. I think we are all guilty of that.

But what’s often harder is when children learn to manipulate passive-aggressively. I joked about this when my older son “let” his brother have the sleeper sofa when we stayed in a hotel. To him, the end (“everyone was happy”) justified the means (self-serving manipulation).

But instead of asking his brother to switch beds, my older son made himself look selfless and loving to his brother. Yes, the result was good, but the method was self-centered, not others-centered.

Another example of passive manipulation is when we are play games that simultaneously require cooperation and competition (our latest favorite is Settlers of Catan). My son will work to get other players to work against each other, but then claim that he is trying to help. And all the while, he claims innocence and gets upset when people work against him (which is another form of emotional manipulation).

There is nothing wrong with asking for things, or especially with doing good things. However, we must ask and do for the right reasons (to glorify God and to bless others), instead of elevating and benefiting ourselves.

Ignoring

"A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17

So, I’ve given four ways that my son (and, sigh, I) hurt others and dishonor God with the things we say. But we can damage our relationships just as much when we avoid communication. (Sometimes manipulation can be a former of non-communication, too.)

I think of when he is playing with his brother, and the other one is saying something or asking. This son continues to play, while maybe giving short answers (usually “no”). Instead, he needs to stop what he’s doing (esp if you are playing video games or with Legos), and look at the person.

By continuing with his task (what he wants to do), he is not showing love to others. Or, he may get frustrated and walk away from the other person. He needs to use words to pursue and engage others.

To ignore or to walk away is what we call being passive, which is the core sin of all men. We men would rather not deal with an issue than spend the emotional energy to engage people. I do the same things, and I need to get better at that, too. (After all, if you ask my kids to imitate me, all of them will pretend to type on a laptop and ignore people around me.)

The Core Issue: Pride

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves." Philippians 2:3

When it comes to how my son (and all of us) misuse our speech, the core issue is about pride and control. When I boast, correct, trick, manipulate, or ignore someone, I am exerting power over them.

It’s not about being right, and it’s definitely not about helping someone. It’s about elevating myself above them, and closer to God’s level.

That’s why the sins of the tongue are so dangerous, because we are proclaiming (actively or passively) that we are like God. That was the original sin of Lucifer (Isaiah 14:12-14), and that was the original sin of Adam and Eve (Genesis 3).

So why do I make this a big deal with my son, and why am I sharing it with you? Because it’s a big deal to God. I love my son, as God loves me, and I don’t want him to fall into the same pattern of sin (and the ensuing damage) as I have.

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works." Hebrews 10:24

I Must Lead, I Must Change

As I disciple my children, I must remember to do it in the context of the gospel. I don’t want to lead my son towards moralism, where he says or does the “right” things to please me or to try to earn favor with God.

I want to lead my son towards Jesus, and to a Spirit-empowered, life-changing relationship with his Creator and Savior.

Even more, I must remember to walk side-by-side with him. He must know that I am a sinner in need of grace, just like him. (For more on this topic, check out this Parenting Conversation.) When I see the sins of my children, it reminds me of my own sin.

"For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God." James 3:7-9

Power in Words

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue,

And those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs18:21

One of my sons has a struggle with his tongue. While he is typically respectful and kind, he tends to say things that he shouldn’t, or not say things when he should.

If you know me well, you know that he is Just Like Me in this way, and we struggle with other similar issues. And because I’ve seen the damage in my own life – or, more specifically, in my relationships with others – I need to be diligent to engage him in this area.

Five areas that I’ve seen him use his tongue in damaging ways are: Boasting, Correcting, Tricking, Manipulating, and Ignoring.

Boasting

“Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies.” I Corinthians 8:1

All parents think their children are geniuses, right? I get that. But this child is especially smart. And in my sneaky pride, I can slip in a humblebrag -- about he is like me in this area, too.

Being smart is not the problem. The problem is that he knows he is smart, and that’s our fault. We’ve told him that over and over. (We should have been praising him for his hard work, strategies, and persistence, instead of praising him for his God-given talents. But that’s another blog for another day.)

He has lots of knowledge, but he needs to know that love is more precious than knowledge. I tell him that he will most likely struggle with the pride of knowledge his entire life. I tell him that he gets it honest, from me.

To counter this, he has to humbly realize that any skills are gifts from God. Additionally, he must diligently try to not make others feel inferior because of his greater knowledge. These are similar to the pieces of advice that Pele’s father gave him:

remember you have a gift from God,
respect other, and
work hard (be a steward of your gift).

"Let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth." Jeremiah 9:24

Correcting

"You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." Matthew7:5

Similar to the sin of boasting, my son also has a tendency to correct others. Sometimes when I point this out to him, he explains that he’s trying to help others.

That may be true in some instances, but, as I explain to him, he needs to examine his motivations for why he is correcting. When the pattern is that he corrects repeatedly and incessantly (recently, I had to warn and rebuke him three times in a span of less than 10 minutes), I am sure that he is not pausing to question his own heart before he speaks.

Furthermore, there are times when he “corrects” but his facts are flat-out wrong. I explain that not only could he be hurting others with how he corrects, but he looks foolish in doing so when he’s not right.

"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool." Shakespeare (As You Like It)
— Joey Espinosa (@EspinosaJoey) April 6, 2014

How are we working on this? Even how we phrase our correction makes a difference. Instead of stating a fact, it sounds more winsome and humble to say, “I think . . . .” There are other ways to genuinely help someone, without coming across as a know-it-all (although you wouldn't learn that by watching me).

And another way that his heart is revealed in this area is how he responds to my correction. He needs to receive my (or my wife’s, or anyone else’s) correction with humility. Often, he tries to cope by making jokes or playing it off, making light of our instruction and correction. Instead, he needs to respond by turning to the gospel of grace and mercy, finding satisfaction and life in Jesus alone.

"A wise son accepts his father's discipline,

But a scoffer does not listen to rebuke." Proverbs 13:1

Tricking and Joking

"Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death

is the man who deceives his neighbor

and says, 'I am only joking!'" Proverbs 26:18-19

And speaking of joking . . . this is yet another issue that my son has inherited from me. You’d think I’d be writing this blog post about myself. But that stings too much.

I’m not proud of it, but sometimes I think that sarcasm is my love language. (I should repent, but joking about it is so much easier.)

Don’t get me wrong. I love a good joke, and I love that my children love humor. So, I’m not concerned with the action, but the patterns and the motivations behind the joking and tricking.

Here’s the issue: Our words have value. But if we waste them, they are worth less and less.

Let’s have fun, but not at the constant expense of others. Instead of always joking about others, there is value in my son (and most of us) having a healthy dose of self-depreciation. If your humor is always at the expense of others, that probably shows the depth of pride in your heart. (The same can be said if your humor is always at your own expense, but that's also another blog post for another day.)

Don’t let our speech grow worthless. The pattern of our speech does not need to be us being funny and having the last word.

More to Come . . . No Joking

I think I’ve given us enough to digest for a day or two. At the least, I need to consider these words for my own life. Come back for the next post, where I will cover the last two areas of damaging speech, plus explain the core issue behind it all.

**image courtesy of ilco via Free Images

[Book Review] Have a New Kid by Friday

Dr. Kevin Leman published Have a New Kid by Friday in 2008. Being a parent (and a Children's Pastor at that time), I bought it when it was new. But since I have a nasty habit of buying more books than I can read, here was another example of a book that sat on my shelf for years before I figured it was time to read it.

I finally picked it up late last year. There were two things that I "knew" about this book before I bought and read it:

I was sure that the author didn't really mean what he wrote in the subtitle, that you could "change your child's attitude, behavior, and character in 5 days." It was just a marketing ploy.
Since Dr. Leman was lauded as a popular and successful "Christian" author and speaker, I was sure that this book would be a mix of Bible-based theology plus practical application.

Unfortunately, I was wrong on both counts.

I'll Keep It Brief

I was going to write a long list of pros and cons about Have a New Kid by Friday, but I'm not going to waste my time, or yours.

The truth is that there are heaps of practical suggestions throughout this book. Plus, two-thirds of the book is an alphabetical list of common parenting issues, each with illustrations and suggestions. Some of these can be helpful, but I find many of them harmful, anti-biblical, and anti-gospel.

I was shocked throughout this book at Leman's behavior modification techniques. He flatly says that "children are like pigeons." Absolutely not! Children have souls and spirits, while animals don't. And I was shocked when it dawned on me that the author expects that real change (and good change) can happen in 5 days or less.

Sure, if you have been struggling in your parent-child relationship, some of these techniques and principles will be helpful. But I would be very hesitant to recommend supposed "life-changing" techniques that don't have room for or need the gospel of Jesus Christ.

If we could have life change outside of God's truth and grace, then why would the Father need to send Jesus to die? Sure, many people would counter this question. But how does a supposed "Christian" author answer it?

That's when it dawned on me. Dr. Leman wrote this book with one purpose -- to attract a desperate audience and sell his books. He says he follows God, but I don't see any kind of God-centered worldview in this book.

A Better Way

In a brief discussion about this book, a friend of mine said, "I don't want a new kid. I want my kid redeemed!" She's right. If there is any kind of new child that I want, it's that I want my child to be a new creation in Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17).

I put this book in the same category (at best) as Parenting By the Book (John Rosemond). Both are written by "pop psychologists" whose apparent goals are to sell books and to appeal to overworked and overstressed mothers.

If you want a book that will help you focus on the gospel in parenting, buy Shepherding a Child's Heart. And if you want a book that combines the gospel with practical application, I highly recommend "Don't Make Me Count to Three!"

Related Link:

Conversation: Parenting and the Gospel

4 Ways that Good Dads Make a Difference

Are men needed to raise children? No. Just ask single mothers.

Are Dads easily dispensable? Also a "no." And research shows it.

Bradford Wilcox wrote a fascinating and insight article for The Atlantic -- The Distinct, Positive Impact of a Good Dad. He acknowledges that mothers and fathers both play crucial roles, that go beyond cultural expectations.

"Fathers often engage their children in ways that differ from the ways in which mothers engage their children. Yes, there are exceptions, and, yes, parents also engage their children in ways that are not specifically gendered."

Specifically, there are four contributions that are distinctively (though not exclusively) from fathers:

Play. "Fathers typically spend more of their time engaged in vigorous play than do mothers, and play a uniquely physical role in teaching their sons and daughters how to handle their bodies and their emotions."
Risk. "Fathers are more likely to encourage their children to take risks, embrace challenges, and be independent, whereas mothers are more likely to focus on their children's safety and emotional well-being."
Protection. "Fathers . . . appear to be more successful in keeping predators and bad peer influences away from their sons and daughters."
Discipline. "Fathers tend to be more willing than mothers to confront their children and enforce discipline. . . . By contrast, mothers are more likely to reason with their children, to be flexible in disciplinary situations, and to rely on their emotional ties to a child to encourage her to behave. . . . Mothers and fathers working together as co-parents offer a diverse yet balanced approach to discipline."

Note that this author is not saying that fathers are more important than mothers, or vice versa. The point is that there is a unique contribution that each has the potential to bring.

Wilcox concludes the article by showing specific effects that good days have, with respect to the child's behavior and actions. This data matches up perfectly with what I have been learning, and which I've written about here:

Dads and Moms alike -- keep giving your children what they need, in the unique way that God has made you.

Related Links:

The Father Effect [Video]
What God Expects from Me as a Dad
Does God Ordain Specific Roles in the Family?
After Father's Day . . .
2 Great Videos for Father's Day
What Dads Need to Tell and Do With Their Children

**image courtesy of thefixer via flickr and The Atlantic

[Book Review] "Don't Make Me Count to Three!"

I have had a copy of Ginger Plowman’s book “Don’t Make Me Count to Three!” on my shelf for about five years. My wife read it years ago, but I never picked it up until a few months ago. While I had heard great things about the book, I thought the material wasn’t for me.

Plowman is clear that this book is for mothers, so I didn’t fit the target audience. Also, every time I thought about reading it, I figured that since my children were getting older, the principles and applications would not be as relevant.

But I was wrong on both counts.

While the author wrote this book for moms, and especially moms of younger children, this book has been just as helpful for me as a father, giving me some new ideas and reminding me of some that I had let slip and needed to get back to.

Structure of the Book

This book is centered around three parts:

Focusing on the heart
Biblical correction and training
Spanking (“The Rod”)

The book then concludes with three helpful appendices, which I will outline below

Focus on the Heart

Anyone who has read Shepherding a Child’s Heart (Tedd Tripp) will immediately connect with the idea of reaching a child’s heart. In the acknowledgments, Plowman calls Tripp’s book the “most Christ-centered parenting material on the market today.” Therefore, it makes sense that she would incorporate his gospel-centered principles in her book.

In short, “reaching the heart of the child” means going beyond looking at his actions, and realizing that more is needed than unbiblical behavior modification. Two mistakes that parents (like me) make are tolerating and controlling their children’s behavior. In view of Luke 6:45, Plowman writes,

“The heart is the control center of life. Behavior is simply what alerts you to your child’s need for correction.”

Instead of laboring to get our children to behave according to biblical (or non-biblical but good) standards, the goal should be on gospel-centered, heart-focused change from the inside out. “It is not that difficult to train children to act like Christians. We have really accomplished something when we have trained them to think like Christians.” One way we train our children to think this way is by asking heart-related questions.

Above all, we parents must remember that heart-centered parenting is a process. We will have ups and downs, victorious and moments of frustration. But we must continually move towards (and lead our children towards) the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Biblical Reproof

When you correct your child, how often do you give a biblical reproof? “A reproof is verbally expressing to another person how they have violated God’s Word.”

I have failed often in this. I excel at rebuking and correcting them, but I often neglect to point them to the Bible. For all that my kids know, they are violating my preferences instead of their heavenly Father’s commands. Plowman reminds us, “Our ultimate goal in everything should be to point them to Christ.”

God’s word is powerful and useful for growing in our faith (II Timothy 3:16). Therefore, I need to specifically direct my children towards God’s words as I disciple, train, and correct them. I need to focus my family on the Bible, not just on my wisdom.

It is our responsibility, as parents, to:

Use every opportunity to point children to their need for Christ.
Train them to obey God by honoring and obeying their parents.
Teach them wisdom.
Train them in righteousness.
Pray for them.
Be a godly example.

Plowman spends a chapter on giving guidelines for verbal correction. Additionally, she has developed a helpful Wise Words for Mom chart, which helps take you from the child’s behavior, to his heart, to verbal reproof and encouragement from Scripture.

Spanking

“The rod and reproof give wisdom

but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.”

Proverbs 29:15

There is much debate in the culture, and even in the church, on the issue of spanking. And even if you agree with biblically-oriented spanking for your children, we need to humbly enter into these conversations, especially in light of how this parenting tool has been abused (even in the rare but real death of some children).

A cursory explanation of spanking will not suffice in this post. You need to read the book, or others like it. But like Plowman, I urge you to not overly depend on worldly methods used by parents to instill obedience in their children, such as:

Bribing. “Children should be taught to obey because it is right and because it pleases God, not to get a reward.”
Threatening. “Never, never, issue a warning or a command without following it through.”
Appealing to their emotions. Don’t use guilt trips.
Manipulating their environment. Instead, teach your child self-control and obedience.
Reasoning with the child. The parent is the God-ordained authority (Tripp makes a great case for this truth in his book), and young children, especially, do not have the capacity or authority to make most decisions.

Of course, there may be situations to require each of these methods. However, even collectively, they should never be the primary parenting tools.

Read chapters 10-12 for a more detailed description of God-honoring spanking, plus answers to common objections.

Above all else, remember that any kind of reproof and discipline is never a formula for success. The best we as parents can do is depend on God and His Word, to seek to honor and obey Him, and to pray for His mercy on the hearts and souls of our children.

Appendices

Closing out the book, Plowman gives some helpful wisdom three appendices:

How to Become a Christian
How to Lead Your Child to Christ
How to Pray for Your Child (I’ve already incorporated this list of 15 prayers in how I pray for my own children)

If you have never read this book, I highly recommend that you do so. If at all possible, read Shepherding a Child’s Heart first, so that you can begin to understand the foundational concept of reaching the heart of your child. I’ve read Tripp’s book at least four times, and each time I understand and apply a little more.

The only regret I have about this book is not reading it sooner, because I thought it was only for moms and because I thought I was growing past the stage of needing it. The truth is that the gospel-centered principles are needed by all parents and for any aged child in your home.

Moms and Dads alike -- buy your copy of “Don’t Make Me Count to Three!” today. While you’re at it, put Wise Words for Moms in your shopping cart, too.

Note: This book was one of the best books I read in 2013.

Related Links:

Affectionate Mothering

Have you ever wondered if you are being too hard on your children? Have you ever thought that every time you treat them harshly, you will leave a permanent emotional scar in their lives?

I know I have.

But I'm encouraged by a study of Mexican-American adolescents. The researchers concluded that negative effects of harsh discipline are softened by a loving mother. Contrary to a lot of current thought in our culture, "the use of harsh parental discipline does not automatically result in antisocial behaviour in the child."

In other words, spanking and other "strict" consequences could lead to negative behavior in children, but not so much if the general family environment is that of love. This is especially true when mothers are attentive and nurturing to their children.

Even during play time, mothers of young children can often be directive, correcting behaviors (such as telling the child to put the toy cow through the door of the toy barn, instead of its window). Directive behavior is not as damaging if the mother stays away from a negative and critical tone (see this study from Parenting: Science and Practice).

Want to explore this topic more? Check out these related posts:

Sermon Series: Parenting by Design

Before the summer, Grace Church did a 4-week series called Parenting by Design. The purpose was to explain how God has designed the idea of equipping the next generation for His own glorification. You can find helpful resources on their website, some of which I highlight in this week-by-week outline.

Week 1: Parenting for the Kingdom

If you are like me, you want to create and follow a method to trust in, instead of trusting in Christ. Psalm 127 identifies a common struggle: Dependence on God versus Self-Reliance. As I go through life, I need to continually ask myself, "Who do I believe is in control?"

And as this sermon clip explains, parenting is basically a leadership issue:

Week 2: Establishing Authority

This phase of parenting is from when the child is born up until age 6. During this phase, the parent must define reality for the child. The child should have a limited amount of freedoms, and freedoms are only gained with demonstrated responsibility. You can watch this clip for a further explanation:

It is crucial for the child to begin to learn self-mastery and obedience. Those same skills will be foundational to everything that will occur when he is an adolescent, teenager, and adult.

Week 3: Developing Responsibility

As the child enters into this phase, which should end around the time he or she becomes a teenager, the child begins to carry more weight. It's easy to think that our children are doing great and are successful, but this may be because they don't have enough responsibility. "Not carrying a burden carries the illusion of strength. . . . Carrying a responsibility is the constant reminder of my need for strength."

Of course, it is our role as parents (and leaders) to help our children to develop responsibility. The "easy" route is to do things ourselves, instead of letting them learn. If you struggle with this concept, watch this clip:

Week 4: Facilitating Independence

During this final phase, we parents must begin to launch our children from our homes. As Proverbs 22:6 counsels us, there is a common direction that our children need to be headed in (glorifying God), but the precise trajectory is different for each one.

In this season, we need to think about three key concepts:

Self-Awareness. Teenagers need to be discovering who they are and how God has created them.
Theology and Language for a few key areas. Namely, Sex, Gender, and Work.
Weaknesses. Don't prop up your children, or they will fail and fall into despair. We must give them real time feedback on their weak areas.

For more resources -- such as the full sermon videos and podcasts -- check out this Teaching page, and this Parenting page.

Letters of Love

My kids hate writing. No, check that. My kids hate being told what to write about. They love writing when they decide when, how much, and on what topic. For example, they have created magazines, complete with ads, interviews, jokes, and puzzles. (you can buy a color copy for a buck or so).

Hannah even has a blog: Hannah's Brain: a jumbled mess of creativity (and other awesome stuff).

The final school assignment (by their beautiful and hard-working teacher) for Hannah and Elijah was to write a research paper. Simple enough, we thought.

It. Took. Forever. And ever. I think one of them is still working on it.

Anyway, you can imagine their level of distress when I made them write a three-page letter to each other. Why? I'm glad you asked . . . .

We had just gotten back from vacation, and they were struggling to adjust back to normal life. Struggle is an understatement, since they used name-calling, angry tones, and even hitting.

They're no angels, but I was caught off-guard. After all, since they are home-schooled, they're always with each other. I wouldn't have thought that they'd be suddenly at each others' throats. But maybe they had too much of each other for a week.

Or maybe they're selfish sinners, just like they're parents, and we need to continually train them in obedience to the Lord.

I came home from work, and Joanna filled me in. I know that they love each other, but they just need to remember and consider that love. So, I told them to write each other a letter, confessing what they did, explaining why it was wrong, describing what they should have done and will do next time, and also saying good things about the other person (I really wanted to end it on a positive note).

When I told them all that, and explained that it had to be three pages long, you thought I slapped them across the face (no, wait; that's what they did to each other). Tears rolled down.

I got them! "You see," I explained, "You feel bad because of your consequence. You should feel that bad -- or worse -- for hitting and treating your brother/sister unkindly!" How long this assignment took was up to them, but they would have no playing until it was done.

What a great way to start the summer, right?

They both went right to work after a little more guidance from us (after all, even though they sinned, they need to know we're still on their side). Joanna suggested they find Bible verses that apply, and include that in their letters.

How did it turn out? Once again, I'm glad you asked.

It. Was. Great.

The kids finished and handed each other their letters. And they let us read them. Our eyes teared up reading them. Here are some excerpts:

"I'm sorry for hitting you hard. It is wrong because you should never hit anybody. I was feeling angry and just could not control myself."

"In Proverbs 19:11 it says, 'Sensible people control their temper, they earn respect by overlooking wrong.' Next time I will be a sensible person and ignore what you said."

"I really enjoy when you play with me. You are very funny and tell good jokes. You are creative and are very good at crafts."

"I love to do all kinds of things with you. You are funny, silly, and smart, all made into one person. You are fun to play legos [sic] with."

"I sometimes think everyone is against me. I will try not to do that any more, because I know you will always, deep down, love me. . . . And remember this: I will always love you."

"If I had to pick an animal to describe you, I would pick a dog. You are energetic and loyal."

"You love God and I love you for this."

"We spend a lot of time together. Do you know why? Because we have true love for one another."

OK, besides one of them calling the other a "dog," isn't that just touching? And they've been so much better together since them. (Then again, I'm out of town for a few days, so it may be going all to pieces while I'm gone.)

So, the next time your kids are at each other, maybe they need a love letter to remind them of the gift of siblings.

Related Links:

Engaging and Disciplining Middle School Boys

A while back, a friend asked me a question about leading adolescent boys. He has younger children, but he helps to lead a para-church ministry for children and youth. They were having a struggle with a certain middle school boy, who was not being outright defiant and deviant, but was definitely exhibiting undesirable characteristics (laziness, passivity, resistance to instruction, etc).

His question was along the lines of, "How do we help this boy learn to become a man? How do we guide him, without crushing him?"

My advice included five complementary guidelines:

Engage the parents
Communicate high standards
Be gracious
Give constructive work
Exhibit and expect mutual respect

Engage the Parents

Since the parents are the primary, God-ordained authorities over their children, you must make every effort to engage them. Parents want the best for their children, even when they do not know what to do in a particular situation.

Talk to the parents, come to an agreement on what the core issues are, and get clarity on a plan going forward. If the boy hears one set of things from parents, and a completely different set from other leaders, he will become confused, frustrated, and defensive, and passive.

Be sure that the child knows that you are in regular communication with his parents about this matter. If at all possible, do not make the child fight a two-front war, with you on one side and the parents on the other.

For more on this, read Empowering Parents Instead of Isolating Them.

High Standards

Does the child know what the expectations are? Are they tangible?

Most adolescents struggle to properly process unclear commands such "behave better" and "be respectful." Address specific behaviors such as an unwillingness to work, tone of voice with adults, etc.

Cast a clear vision on what you hope to see in the child. Outline a plan of what you expect to see in the short- (4-8 weeks), medium- (6-12 months), and long-term (3-5 years). Young men want to be a part of something great, especially when that something great is the potential of what they can be.

"Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained, But happy is he who keeps the law." Proverbs 29:18

Be Gracious
While you should keep high expectations for young men, you must also understand that they will fail. Children are sinners, just like the parents and adults that lead them.

If all the child hears from you is how bad he is doing, he will become exasperated and lose hope. Remind him that he is a work in progress, just as you are.

I'm not saying that we should expect our children to be rebellious and failures. We can and should have hope in our gracious God and His gospel. But we need to understand that they will struggle with sinful behaviors.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." Colossians 3:21

Constructive Work

When not given enough work to do, children easily become lazy, selfish, and disgruntled. Hard work gets the focus off ourselves, and helps us better appreciate the blessings that we do have.

As much as possible, give constructive work to a young man. He should understand that the work is intended to make him better, or to bless others around him. Physical work is ideal, since it provides a good channel for masculine adolescent energy. However, there is also value in occasional low-energy and monotonous work.

Mutual Respect

By the time a boy reaches the preteen years, you should be transitioning out of the phase where your primary relationship is that of authority over him. This is not a simple transition, and there are no clear formulas to go through it smoothly.

However, one big requirement is that you give him respect. You must shift from authority to influence, and not treat him as you would a preschooler.

Respect him enough to engage him in dialogue, not monologue tirades. Respect him enough to not embarrass or belittle him in public. Respect him enough to let him know (in private) that you expect better out of him.

Ideally, the boy has (by this point) spent the majority of his life learning to respect you and other leaders. Now be sure to teach him how to receive and deserve respect.

When it comes to boys, they primarily need a father (and other men) to lead them through this transition. An adolescent boy needs a man to speak into his life (as Mark Driscoll points out in this leadership coaching video, Fatherly Leadership). Moms and other women have a role, but we men must step up and lead.

Related Links:

The Gospel for Middle Schoolers (and You)
The Phases of Raising Boys
4 Effective Consequences for Disciplining a Young Child
Letters of Love
Stop Penalizing Boys for Not Being Able to Sit Still at School (from The Atlantic)

**image courtesy of cliff1066tm via flickr (Norman Rockwell's "Graduation")

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