A Different Way: questions

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Should Students Wear School Uniforms?

Are you in favor of or against school uniforms? Or are you indifferent?

If I had to make a guess, I would suppose that:

Nearly all students children and teenagers are against the idea.
About half of parents are in favor of the idea.
Most school administrators like the idea, but most of them don't know if it's worth the effort to push for it.

Over the years, I've come to see the value of schools having uniforms for their students, and I would be completely in favor of any of my kids' schools instilling this policy.

(Of course, we are not high-stakes players in this game, since only one of our children will be in public school next year.)

Why? Read my latest post on the Family Matters blog to learn more. And please share your thoughts by leaving a comment here, or on that site.

Photo credit: Foter / CC BY-SA

Favorite Tweets for January

I've been using a journal from Art of Manliness, trying to follow Ben Franklin's model of strengthening my virtues.

Yes, it's quite depressing. That is, I realize I'd be completely hopeless in life if I had to rely on my own ability to be a moral person.

Well, at least I had these tweets from the past month.

From Others:

@PlatoQuote: Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.

@JeffGoins: When you seek out criticism are you genuinely wanting to grow or are you just looking to confirm your insecurities?

@MarkMerrill: One of the best things you can do for your children is to love your wife.

@theresaromero87: To devalue any human being is to deny their intrinsic worth as a fellow image-bearer of the Creator.

@plonkertons: For the darkness is disappearing, and the true light is already shining #john2 #amen

@PaulTripp: There's a lot of failure in your track record, but your security isn't in your success, but in the successes that Jesus achieved for you.

@follymiscreant: A great part of wisdom is figuring out which people are best left ignored.

@StudentsFirstSC: Recruiting teachers to #rural areas is critical for improving student performance. http://bit.ly/1ym4P94 #edreform #protectgreatteachers

@CinemaPirate: #MissUniverse reminds me of #TheHungerGames

From Me:

Black lives matter because black people are persons, made in God's image. http://buff.ly/1vJxfoy #BlackLivesMatter #AllLivesMatter

I do NOT regret eating at Jack in the Box tonight. Only because I witnessed a near-fight between a customer and an employee.

Almost done with week 1 of my Ben Franklin virtues journal, from @artofmanliness. 12 wee... http://ift.tt/1HYjqdM

Had a great time tonight meeting with a Community Group, discussing what it means to be Culturally Engaged. I'd love to meet your group too.

I'm all for raising the minimum wage to help working families. But I don't think a teenager MUST make $15/hour. #SOTU

You know you're out of shape when you get sore just by being a substitute teacher in PE for 2 days. #oldman

Through @mentorgville, 477 adults are serving as #mentors in @gcschools! But 293 more are needed. Will you be a part?

Will Our Children Resent Our Ministry?

On Monday, we are starting a new after school program in our community. Engaging and helping children has been a significant part of lives over the past four years. In fact, this will be the third after school program we've helped launch in that time. (You can read about the first and second, both in Allendale, SC).

While we are excited about this starting up, we know it won't always be easy for our family. This two-day-a-week program will occur on the busiest days of the week for our family. (We chose those days because they were best for the community). I know there will be times when we (me, my wife, and our kids) just won't feel energized about it.

When it comes to ministry, I think that's a common feeling. If you are never worn out and stretched by ministry, then it probably means you aren't sacrificing enough.

Of course, you could feel stretched and still not be sacrificing enough, but that may mean that you have things in your life that need to go, so that you can do more ministry (inside and outside of the church). We have had to say "no" to some good opportunities for our children, since they might distract us from our core calling to serve others.

If you are a parent, you know that time is a precious resource. You probably ask questions like . . .

How do I balance my time between family and ministry?

What do I do with my kids? Should they be involved in my ministry?

How will all my ministry affect my children? Will they become bitter and resentful?

How should we answer these valid concerns?

Biblical Principles

Before I give the benefits of letting your children suffer and struggle in ministry, let me make a couple of over-arching statements:

Jesus (or Paul or any New Testament writer, for that matter) never taught us to balance our time. Jesus asks for 100% of our life. Yes, we should get rest and downtime, but that has more to do with pursuing God than it does with our family's recreation.
Family does trump ministry, to an extent. This may seem contradictory to the first point. But the issue here is motive. You need to ask why you are involved in a certain ministry? Is it because of self-satisfaction or praise from others? Or maybe it's a fear of man issue (as I struggle with), so that I labor because I don't want others to think less of me. When I was on staff at our church, the leaders regularly emphasized that our work as pastors was subordinate to our roles as husbands and fathers.

The Blessings in the Struggle

That being said, let me outline a few ways that your children will benefit for having to sacrifice and struggle.

They will be able to obey God's call, in that we are to serve others. Jesus models the perfect example of serving (Mark 10:45) and being sent by God (John 6:57). By following His example, our children get the opportunity to be God's image-bearers.
They will begin to discover and utilize the gifts that God has given them. By us working with children, our daughter has realized how much she enjoys the same. She has become more skilled and nurturing in this process. Now, as she uses these gifts, she can show others how she is God's masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10).
They will learn that life doesn't revolve around them. Every time our children sacrifice, we remind them that their lives are to be about Jesus, not about themselves. They learn that working hard and blessing others is reward enough.
They will be able to serve alongside us, or at least see us serve. When we were in Allendale, the Best Part of My Job was that our family was together all the time at my job, at our ministry. And even if you must serve without your children, it's good for them to miss you some.
They will have the chance to build their own relationships. They will get to be someone else's friend, and they will give others the chance to be their friend. When we told our kids that we would be leaving Allendale, they were deeply sad, because of the friends they made. They truly engaged and connected with their community.

Ministry is a discipleship issue. In sacrificial service, we are able to help our children know Christ more and grow more like Him.

And along the way, we parents get the same blessings.

Your Turn . . .

I’d love to hear your comments or questions, on Facebook, Twitter, or in the comments section.

Also, if you liked this post, please consider sharing it with others. It’s easy – you can just click one of the buttons below.

Related Links:

Another Blog

And though my Mission: Allendale blog has been static since August, I still get some traffic there, as I close in on a not-too-shabby 50,000 page views there. On that note, here are the 5 most popular posts on that blog over the past year:

#5. How Would You Define (and Solve) Poverty? Like with #1 (see below), I go back to this post and this book over and over. Have you read it?

#4. Financial Demise in Allendale. A sad story, not just about an institution, but about a mindset.

#3. Does Poverty Affect Life Expectancy? A post from 2013, it still brings up an important truth: “Living in a high-poverty area often means a lifetime of struggle with underperforming public schools, limited job opportunities, higher crime rates, and poor nutrition, health care and housing — all of which can add up to a shorter, sicker retirement.”

#2. The Big Announcement. Our family spent months wrestling over the next step that God had for us. And apparently, other people wanted to know, too; when I published this, it was the highest ever single-day traffic on this blog. (In January, I tried to answer the FAQ: Where Are You Going Next?)

#1. Feeling the Pain of a Fatherless Generation: Angry Boys. Since I wrote this 2.5 years ago, it's been the most popular post. I go back to these thoughts (and the book I stole them from) over and over.

Happy reading!

**image courtesy of rkirbycom via rgbstock.com

Parenting Resources

A quick compilation of some great parenting articles I've come across recently. You may not have time to read all, so pick a couple that seem to interest you the most.

A Prayer for the Parent's Soul
Thoughts on Psalm 143, from Jonathan Parnell. "Parenting is inescapably the work of waiting. But here, in this place of uncertainty, through this prayer, we remember the clear picture of God’s love in the cross and victory of Jesus."

Manvotional: General Douglas MacArthur's Prayer for His Son
Short, sweet, and inspiring.

5 Bad Substitutes for Discipline
If you had a choice between following my blog and Tim Challies, pick the latter. Here's some parenting wisdom he gleaned from a book he's read.

Be Ready to Answer Your Kids Questions About the Bible
Jon Bloom gives simple and thorough explanations to some apologetics-related questions. Then, you can read about when my son asked, "How do we know that Jesus is real?"

Three Reasons to Attend Corporate Worship
And another self-promoting plug for my own blog, you may want to check out What If My Child Doesn't Want to Go to Church? (Yes, we've struggled with this issue in our family, too.)

What Lead You to Become an Atheist? Some Surprising Answers
Not a strictly parenting article, but one that parents need to consider as they think about their own church attendance and membership. To sum it up: having your child go to church is not enough!!!

Why Repentance Must Be Central to Your Ministry
Again, not strictly about parenting, but a great reminder that every ministry or work we have (including discipling our children) must start with our repentance. Click on the link above, just watch it below:

Did you recently come across any helpful parenting resources? Let us know in the comments.

Should I Speak Up or Stay Silent?

Here's a question I received from a mom:

"I drive 6 middle school kids to school every morning. I am constantly shocked at the conversation but am struggling with how involved to get. I know I can't lecture them on everything and still have an impact but how much do I let slide? Also do I compromise on music choices?

I want to be a part of these kids lives but am just a "mom" in their eyes and probably a lame mom at that."

Here is my response:

You mean like when I coached football, and I would drive football players home after practice, and some of them would talk about the girls they were having sex with? (I hope your conversations aren't exactly the same!)

I don't know what I should have done. And every time I had this conversation in my head,

"Should I say something? I know they are wrong in their thinking and actions, causing damage to themselves and others. But I want them to be able to freely talk about these things to and around me. But then again, would I want them talking about my daughter like that? That’s sickening! I don’t think they even want other guys to talk about their own sisters in that way. I need to say something, but I don’t need to preach at them. So, what should I say?”

But when I did respond, I didn't always give the same answer.

Sometimes I just listened.
Sometimes, I would say something funny and pick on them to deflect and lighten ("If that girl had any sense, she'd stay away from you.")
Sometimes I would gently steer the direction of the conversation, without preaching too much. For example, I would ask if they wanted to be married someday, and then we'd talk about what being a good husband looks like.
Sometimes I'd tell about my own experiences -- the good things I've done and the mistakes I've made.

I think this last one is what got their attention the most. And sometimes I would risk and share something that would be "lame" in their eyes, like me not having sex until I was married. The guys were shocked.

I also talked a lot about how I was loyal and faithful to my wife, and that they have a chance to practice loyalty and commitment now. Honestly, I never knew how much they were taking it in.

Until I heard this conversation on the practice field.

I hope your group of middle schoolers isn't having the same conversation. But maybe your responses should be the same:

sometimes listen,
sometimes joke,
sometimes gently steer (best by asking questions),
and sometimes give a testimony of your own life (positive and negative examples)

That was my response. What advice would you have given? Let us know in the comments.

Do you have any parenting or ministry related questions? Please email me or contact me in some other way.

**image courtesy of laura00 via freeimages.com

Best and Hardest Things

I get an email every weekday from All Pro Dad. The email includes a short encouragement and a practical tip. I don't follow through on every email, mostly because they don't always apply (and sometimes, to be honest, I don't agree with their approach).

But most of the ideas that they send help me be a better husband and father.

A recent email encouraged me to ask my kids these questions:

“What is the best thing about being (age) ___________?” And then ask, “What is the hardest thing about being (age) __________?

Here is how my kids responded:

Hannah

Best: The privileges of being the oldest (like being able to sit in the front seat, and that adults trust her with their own young children).
Hardest: Being younger than other kids in her grade (at church).

Elijah

Best: Flexibility of being able to play with both older and younger kids.
Hardest: Being in an in-between phase; not a little kid anymore and not a teenager yet.

Sender

Best: Good at hide-and-seek. Sometimes one of older kids in his grade (at church).
Hardest: Not having as many privileges as older kids have.

Conversations like this help us be intentional with our meal time discussions. If you're a Dad, I encourage you to sign up for the Play of the Day. (And the related site for Moms is called iMom.)

As a side note, before you think that all of our conversations are heavenly, you should know how my kids first started answering the question about what's hardest. They each began listing what their siblings do that bothers them. I stopped them, and encouraged them to be self-reflective, not just reactionary to what others do. Sigh.

Related Links:

Let Your Kids Evaluate You
What Sons and Daughters Need from Their Dads
Creating a Positive Family Culture: Making the Most Out of Family Dinners (from Art of Manliness)

What's the Origin of the Passover Afikomen?

This year, the Jewish holiday of Passover begins on the evening of April 14. Since I'm the "token Jew" for many of my friends, I tend to get a lot of questions about holidays like this. And I'm happy to try to help.

Here's a question I got from a good friend of mine, who was a part of a leader training for a church-led Passover Seder, through Grace Church's Children's Ministry:

"I have a question about the afikomen -- the piece of matzah that's broken, wrapped up, and hidden. So, before Jesus, and in the regular Jewish passover, this has different meaning for us. Where did that come from, and what does it mean to non-Messianic Jews?"

She was referring to the part of the Passover Seder where one of the three pieces of matzah (unleavened bread) is broken, hidden away, and later found. In the Messianic Jewish perspective, the afikomen points to Jesus.

For non-Christian Jews, the afikomen is mostly used as a distraction for children, giving them a game of hide-and-seek when they finish their dinner. The finder gets a reward. (PS -- my Jewish grandfather used to always hide it under the pillow he was sitting on. ALWAYS.)

When Did the Afikomen Tradition Begin?

The funny thing about the Afikomen is that it probably wasn't in the original (before Christ) Seder. At the least, we don't see it in any Old Testament passages.

Afikomen is a GREEK word, not Hebrew. More than likely, it was brought in by Jewish Christians (who lived in a world that was predominately Greek-speaking), and the non-Christian Jews later adopted it.

I forget what most non-Christian (or, non-Messianic) Jews today say it means. Some say the three pieces of matzah represent Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Others say the Priests, Levites, and Israelites. Some say other things.

Afikomen means "that which comes after." But it's not just a dessert (unless you can find the honey and spice matzah -- that's good stuff!).

The three pieces of matzah represent the Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The middle (the Son) is broken, as Jesus was on the cross. It is wrapped up and hidden, as Jesus was prepared for burial and place in a tomb. Later, it is rediscovered, just as God the Father raised Jesus from the dead.

Jesus is "that which comes after." He is the promised Messiah, and the early church added the afikomen to celebrate this truth.

Now for a Funny Story . . .

Years ago, we did a Passover Seder with some other families from our church. Besides helping to lead the Seder, I was in charge of getting the reward. I forgot to get something, and didn't realize it until we were at their house.

I had to run to the local convenience store to pick up ice, and thought about getting some candy for a reward for the child would would find the afikomen. But I had a better idea. I bought a lottery ticket.

The other co-leader was fine with this, but another guy's head was about to explode. Oh, well.

The child who found the afikomen was the son of a pastor at Grace Church. (Un)fortunately, the ticket was not a winner. I would have loved to see this boy interviewed by the news:

News Person: "How did you get this ticket, young man?"
Boy: "Well we were doing a Passover Seder with the church where my Dad is a pastor. And this Jewish guy who is a deacon at the church, he gave me this lottery ticket as a prize for finding the matzah, which is like Jesus' body."

People would have been so confused.

What about you? Does this explanation help? Or do you have any more questions? Let me know in the comments.

Related Links:

Celebrating Passover as a Messianic Jew
The Connection of Passover and Easter
From Christmas to Passover? (Grace Church Kids)

**First image: photo credit: Avital Pinnick via photopin cc

**Second image: photo credit: doncav via photopin cc

My Son Is Not Ready to Become a Christian

Years ago, one of my sons participated in a church-sponsored sports league. Each week we ~~taught~~ herded energetic and confused kindergarten children. It was a fun time for all!

Each week, one of the coaches taught a prepared devotion. And towards the end of the season, there was an obligatory "altar call" of sorts. After he taught the lesson (and he always did a great job), the dad led the children in prayer, and explained that if they wanted to follow Jesus, they could pray silently with him. And when he was done, he asked the kids to keep their eyes closed and to raise their hands if they prayed the "sinner's prayer."

All the fathers (coaches) looked around during the eyes-closed moment (Jon Acuff says that this is OK). I saw 2 things -- one that didn't surprise me, and one that made me happy:

Unsurprising: Most of the kids peeked to see which of their peers raised their hands.
Pleasing: While a few of the children did raise their hands, I was happy that my son didn't.

You may be confused as to why I was happy that my son didn't respond to this "call to faith." Let me explain . . . .

He Wasn't Ready Then . . .

The discussion of how to know if your child is truly a follower of Jesus is a big one. It cannot be covered in one blog post, or ten. It's a conversation that I encourage parents to have in the context of gospel-centered community and with mentors.

If you want to read (and watch a short video) more about this, I encourage you to check out these posts on this blog:

In short, the reason I was happy my son didn't raise his hand is because I was sure (at least, as sure as I could be) that he was not a follower of Jesus. Yes, he had been learning a lot about God, and was growing spiritually. But I didn't want him to make an in-the-moment decision. Had he done so then, I think he would have been doing it for the wrong reason.

Can you respond to an "altar call" (sorry, it's the best term I have) for the wrong reason? Absolutely! One could do so:

To please a parent or other respected adult. (My son knows that I want him to be a Christ-follower.)
To go along with what his friends are doing. (I do want my son to have godly friends and role models.)
To feel good about himself.

None of these reasons are inherently bad, but they aren't the reasons that we should follow Jesus. While I do want my children to be Christians, they need to own it for themselves. While them rejecting God is a terrible thing, it is just as dangerous for them to have a false assurance based on an emotional decision.

. . . And He's Not Ready Now

More important than a one-time decision is the big-picture conversation that I have with my kids about faith in Christ. We've had this conversations (broken up into many, many smaller parts) since they were little.

We've had several of these conversations over the past few months, and I want to share those not to embarrass him, but to share with you our thinking. Perhaps you can give me wisdom, and perhaps these stories will encourage and help you.

Once, as we dealt with a sin issue, we sat on his bed and talked and prayed. He prayed, "Jesus, I pray that you would come into my heart and change me." Wow! That's it! Surely that is the prayer I was looking for, right?!

We talked some more, and I asked him what he meant by that prayer. He answered, "I want to become a Christian." We dialogued about what that means, about it's a lifetime of commitment and faith and trust. He agreed to all that.

Then I asked, "Do you want to do that today, or another time?" I'm not sure if I did right or wrong by giving him this easy "out". But I wanted him to really want it. I wanted him to consider the weight of his decision, even as he considers the riches that God offers.

(He said that he would do it another time. Again, maybe I should have pushed him a little more, but I'd rather be patient. I believe that God will keep working in his life.)

And another time (as we dealt yet another time with a recurrent sin issue in his life), he came to me after bed time. This time he was very emotional and said that he had already prayed for Jesus to come into his heart. Since I don't use this language of accepting Jesus in your heart, I wondered what was really going on.

I asked a simple question, "What do you mean by that?" He couldn't articulate it, and even admitted that he didn't know what that means. To me, this confirmed that he was more feeling guilty over his sin, and was trying to manage his emotions.

Again, we have talked and as I explain truths to him, I wonder how I will know if he's ready, or if he's really a Christian. Here are some (non-exclusive) indicators:

He will have an innate desire to be a follower of Jesus, and he will communicate this.
He will be able to articulate what he means by believing in and following Jesus.
There will be works ("good fruit") that will be evident of an internal change.

When He's Ready, He's Ready

I want my children to follow Jesus. And I am hopeful in Christ that they will. I will not parent them in fear of "what if they don't?" I trust that our gracious God will continue to work in their hearts, as He continues to work in mine, to draw them close to Him. And I will continue to do my God-ordained role as a father to teach them and show them the riches of God's grace.

As I said before, I want my kids to own their faith, and not to say and do things to please me. Our kids need to know that following Jesus is a lifetime commitment and decision to honor Him, not a one-time emotional choice to make themselves or others feel good.

Related Links:

**image courtesy of elvissa via flickr

Is There a Good Devotional Book for a 5th Grader?

A few months ago, I got a question from a friend, who is a small group leader (in church) to a group of boys:

"Do you of a good devotional or book for a 5th grade boy? His parents say he is a rule follower who has recently committed himself to Christ, but they want something that will point his eyes up to who God is -- what He has done for us, and how He works through us, rather than something that focuses on our behavior."

I told him that I don't know of any good books that a boy this age could read on his own, and come to this understanding himself. At this age, the child is still in a phase where the parents must teach, lead, explain, and point to Jesus.

Another thing is that I'm not a huge fan of most devotionals and children's storybook Bibles. I find most of them (especially youth devotions) to be weak in theology, and they tend to focus on works, instead of on abiding in Christ and trusting in the gospel.

I do know of some great resources (for example, the Jesus Storybook Bible and curriculum from The Gospel Project), but not anything that a 10 year old could read, and say, "Oh. Now I get it!"

Even my favorite Bible storybook (especially for young boys), The Action Bible, doesn't so much point to the sufficiency of Christ, as it captivates young minds with lots of action in God's word. Other good resources that can help a child grow in his or her faith (though not specifically point him to the gospel) are:

Boy, Have I Got Problems! (my older two children went through this a couple of years ago)
The Case for Faith -- Student Edition (I went through this with my 7th grade daughter last year, and I'm going through it with my 4th grade son now)

If there is one parenting resource I would recommend above all others, it is Big Truths for Young Hearts. But again, it is something that the parents must read and explain to their kids, in about 10-minute segments. I've written about this book before:

But the biggest piece of advice I have for all parents who are concerned about this issue is, "Don't stress out." Like me, many Christian parents think, "I want better teaching for my children than I had as a child. So, I have to get this perfect."

We need to remember that discipleship is a long-term process. It's not one book or one conversation, but a string of conversations and activity that will help our children trust in Jesus. As I wrote in Don't Be a Seasonal Christian Parent, the tools we use to disciple our children are not nearly as important of just doing something, and continually teaching and training them in the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

Of course, I may be missing some good resources. Would you please let me know if you know of any books or devotionals that a 5th grade boy could read on his own, to point him to Jesus?

Thanks for your help!

Related Links:

Recommended Children's Bibles
Should We Require Bible Reading for Our Kids?
Is the Bible Just a Roadmap for Life?
Passing on Your Faith
Parenting in the Lord
Gospel Centered Children
Review: How God Used a Thunderstorm
Family Devotions in Real Life (from CBMW, an interview the wife of the Bruce Ware, author of Big Truths for Young Hearts)

How Would You Define a Perfect Parent?

If I asked you to give a definition of a perfect parent, what would you say? You might give such characteristics as:

Makes sure your family has dinner together at least 5 times a week.
Has children in church every week.
Provides children with necessities, such as clothing and food.
Loves Jesus more than anything.
Gives children opportunities and experiences through extracurricular activities.
Protects children from dangers.
Defining (or eliminating) specific roles in the family.
Helps children with schoolwork.
etc.

There has to be a better definition than these details. Maybe we can only look ahead and see the results, and then work backwards.

Before my wife and I had children, and when our kids were young, we were blessed to be around families that had older children. We saw behaviors and attitudes in those children that we wanted our own kids to have, so we sought wisdom from those parents. Though we never phrased it this way, we were often looking for a formula for parenting success.

But is there an example of a perfect parent? Of course! Without sounding cliche, can we agree that our heavenly Father is a perfect parent? (OK, that does sound cliche. Sorry.)

Our God is a perfect protector (John 10:27-29), provider (Psalm 23:1), teacher (John 14:26), and more. But let's see how that turned out for Israel, in Hosea 11:1-7:

1 When Israel was a youth I loved him,
And out of Egypt I called My son.
2 The more they called them,
The more they went from them;
They kept sacrificing to the Baals
And burning incense to idols.
3 Yet it is I who taught Ephraim to walk,
I took them in My arms;
But they did not know that I healed them.
4 I led them with cords of a man, with bonds of love,
And I became to them as one who lifts the yoke from their jaws;
And I bent down and fed them.
5 They will not return to the land of Egypt;
But Assyria - he will be their king
Because they refused to return to Me.
6 The sword will whirl against their cities,
And will demolish their gate bars
And consume them because of their counsels.
7 So My people are bent on turning from Me.
Though they call them to the One on high,
None at all exalts Him.

How did Israel respond to God's perfect parenting? They completely rejected Him! For all that the Lord did to show them love, they refused to trust in and exalt Him. Isaiah 1:4 says that Israel abandoned and despised the LORD.

If God, who is a perfect Father, has rebellious children, then I don't need to expect to get perfect results in how I parent.

Even if your children despise and turn away from you (and most of us will not experience this, but many of us will), know that you are not alone. Your heavenly Father experienced the same.

So, however we define "perfect parenting," let's make sure that we don't define it solely by results. Our children are broken sinners, in need of grace. And so are we as parents.

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments: How would you define a perfect parent?

Related Links:

**image courtesy of Library of Congress via flickr

Facilitating Independence: Why We're Giving Our Daughter a Clothing Allowance

Soon after my daughter Hannah turned 12, we decided to increase her monthly allowance. We started giving our children a consistent monthly allowance two years ago. It is a small amount, which we increase every year on their birthday.

Now as Hannah is entering a new phase in life, we see how she is wanting more an more clothing. So, instead of her constantly asking us to buy this or that, we are putting the decisions into her hands. To use parenting language from Grace Church, we are working to facilitate independence in her.

Why Are We Doing This?

My wife and I have "always" been hesitant and critical of giving children too much allowance. But we're growing and learning and even eating our words a little.

Here are the reasons that we have chosen to do this:

Our family budget. This will keep her from always asking us to buy her more clothing. We could never afford to give her all that she wants!
Training her to budget. It's an opportunity to teach her to manage a budget and make priorities. We can't wait until she's 18 and ready to leave the house before we start this. It's another way we are Developing Our Kids to Be Leaders.
Personal responsibility. It will help her to take care of her clothing better. If she is careless with her stuff, she'll have to spend money to replace it instead of buying fun new things.

So far, she is enjoying this independence. But we have to be careful to not let it get out of control, or to give her too much freedom too quickly. That is why we came up with a set of guidelines and expectations.

Our Guidelines

Before we started giving her this extra money, we clearly communicated some guidelines to her:

The extra money we give her is only for clothing and haircuts -- not for entertainment, food, etc.
We will try it for a year or two, and continually evaluate. We the parents have the right to change it (or end it if it's not going well).
We started with a low monthly amount. We think we are aiming a little too low, but we figured it's easier to increase the money later, rather than having to reduce it. Plus, she can always get clothing and gift cards as presents (which is what happened this past Christmas).
This is not permanent. We will probably stop in a few years, when we feel that she can get a consistent job.
We are only doing this with Hannah, not with our two sons. We don't feel like they need to have this independence yet, and they are not into clothing like their sister is. Usually, we have to make them get new clothes. ("No, son. You can't keep wearing underwear that is two sizes to small.")

What about you? Do you give your children a special allowance for clothing, entertainment, etc? What have you learned along the way?

For more articles on this topic, check out these posts:

So Dad, How Much Do You Earn? (David Murray)
Should Children Be Paid an Allowance? (Jacob Paulsen)

Love Jesus, Love Your Kids

A couple of months ago, I asked my kids, "How do you know that I love you? What do I say or do that lets you know?"

They each gave some expected answers, like how I spend time with them, how I take them to breakfast, how I provide for the family, and even that I just tell them. But the last thing that Elijah said caught me off-guard.

He told me that one of the reasons he knows that I love him is when he sees me reading my Bible and praying. I asked him to explain.

"Well, since you love God, I know that you love me."

He's right. My love for him (and his siblings, and definitely for my wife) is more than just a choice of what I want to do. It's based on the fact that God loves me, and I love God. My love for him is rooted in and flows out of my faith in Jesus and in the Spirit's constant work in my life.

Parents -- do you want to be a better parent for your children? Then become a better disciple of Jesus.

Do you want to love your children as much as you can? Then love Jesus to the utmost.

As JD Greear advises, our kids need to see Jesus in us, and they need to see us seeking Jesus.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

Ephesians 6:4

Year in Review

And just for kicks and smiles, I looked over Facebook's list of my top 20 moments for 2013. I'm not sure how they calculated those events, but some of my favorite were:

January 2 --> Started working at USC Salkehatchie. (I wrote about this in an update on my jobs and ministries.)

April 21 --> (A conversation I had with my son.)

Me: "Why did you make that craft in class?"
Sender: "Because I HAD to."
Meaningful time today at Grace Church Childrens Ministry.

May 5 --> Got to witness a historic moment in #AllendaleSC: 2 black teenagers baptized at Allendale Baptist Church.

May 26 --> Love former neighbors who still invite us over for cul-de-sac parties. — with Jamie Fuller and 2 others.

July 18 --> Happy anniversary (of our engagement) to my incredible wife, Joanna Wimmer Espinosa. It has been a wonderful 14 years since you said "Yes."

And after some teenage boys from Allendale told me yesterday, "Your wife is beautiful," I answered, "I know. Why do you think I married her?"

September 17 --> When you place an order at the drive-thru microphone at Hardees, & the response is, "Ok, drive around, Mr. Joey."....

October 15 --> (see image to the right) She was supposed to be studying for a science test, but decided to make this scarecrow instead. #creativemess

November 23 --> (Too long to copy over here. You can read what I wrote in Thankful: The Best 2 Years of My Life.)

Edit: Here are the top 5 posts from my other blog, Misson: Allendale.

** first image courtesy of rkirbycom via rgbstock.com (other images mine)

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