A Different Way

Leading Your Children in Spiritual Formation

A common desire for Christian parents is helping their children grow spiritually. There are tons of resources out there, so the goal of this blog is not to provide another list. Mostly, I want to just give you ideas to think about and evaluate, along with some things that we have tried.

One guideline to remember is that how you engage your children must always depend on their age, maturity, and personality. I've noticed that with many parenting blogs and sites, the term "child" is used indiscriminately, without respect to age. But obviously, parenting a preschooler requires very different techniques and applications then a pre-teen, although the principles may remain the same.

Here are some thoughts for how to help your child grow spiritually in a some different disciplines (speaking to parents here; for children's ministry programming, there would be parallel but some different applications):

An Introduction To Family Nights: Family Nights Tool Chest (A Heritage Builders Book : Family Night Tool Chest Book 1)

Bible knowledge. There are a number of Bibles and Bible storybooks that are great for kids. In our experience, we've continually changed how we taught our kids the Bible, depending on our kids' ages, what others recommend, and what we feel like doing. At different times, we have read straight from the Bible (through a book like Genesis, Exodus, or a Gospel account), Bible storybooks, devotionals, and activity-based materials (such as Family Nights from Heritage Builders). Sometimes it has gone really well, and sometimes not so much. The important thing is just to do something. Doing something -- anything -- even if it's not great, is better than nothing.

Giving. At a young age, you need to dictate how much they give and in what proportions. As they get older, they need to have more decision-making, but you still play a big role in directing them. Read more in the post How Can I Teach My Child to Be Generous?
Relationships. Especially at a young age, you control their level of community. At every age of life, community is important; there is deep and lasting value in being connected to others. Many moms take part in play groups and invite their child's friends over, which is a great way to show hospitality. But don't underestimate how church can play a role. Be at church consistently, and be there for two services (to serve and to worship) if possible. We have seen this blessing in our children's lives, as they have been with nearly the same group of friends virtually every week, for 3.5 hours, for at least 3 years now. This is more than most adult small groups meet, and they have benefited from being in this level of community.
Serving: Let them see and hear about you serving others. And intentionally look for opportunities to serve with them. They need your example and your direction. And when they are older you will be blessed as you see them desire to serve others.

A Serious Reader

You may know that I am a big fan of reading books. There is something to be gained in almost every book, even if they are not well-written (in my opinion) or if I disagree with much of the author's perspective.

But, I'm not nearly as intense as this guy . . .

Two Ordinary Joes at Lunch

I wrote a couple weeks ago about one of our biggest needs being community in Allendale. We've been blessed with great community having been formed in Greenville over a long period of time. One thing we have seen is that community doesn't have just one form. The best community is that which comes in multiple forms, simultaneously. Here are types of community that we've been blessed with:

Community Group that meets during the week throughout the year
Other close friends with whom we can be authentic
People we've known through short-term Bible studies
Elders and other church leaders whose leadership and authority we have been under
People we serve and volunteer alongside
Neighbors that we feel comfortable to hang out with, just having fun
Mentors that we only meet with once or twice per year, but who share wisdom

And we know that we need all these forms of community wherever we go, and we've been praying for it (and thanks to those of you who have been, too). But during my first week in Allendale, God surprised me by dropping it right into my lap.

Joe Mole, outside of the community center in Fairfax

Joe Mole is a pastor that Grace Church has been partnering with in Fairfax (the second biggest town in Allendale County). At the core, we (Grace and our family) view life and ministry very much like Joe. We believe that long-lasting and meaningful change starts with the heart, not with a change of circumstances. We believe that the power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ can change lives. We believe that the Gospel can break the power of sin, and redeem what sin has robbed from us.

The first week that I was in Allendale, I got to have lunch with Joe (only about the 4th or 5th time that I met him, though we had spoken on the phone a few more times than that). We chatted about family, and then he said some things that marked me. By giving me a challenge, encouragement, and a warning, he was showing the love and community that I desperately need. This is a sampling of what he said:

Challenge. "Don't be busy as a bee. We don't need you to just buzz around. People are going to ask you to do a lot. You are going to have to say, 'Let me think about it.' And if I see you just being busy, I'm going to tap you on the shoulder and tell you to stop." Just a few weeks earlier, I was sharing with leaders at Grace that I was concerned that I would let myself get caught up in too many things, that I would have a hard time knowing what to stay out of. I'm glad that Joe willingly put himself in a position to hold me accountable.
Encouragement. "I see in you a lot of what Paul saw in Timothy." Timothy was probably a 20-year old pastor of a new church. For Joe to call me a "Timothy" was a huge and surprising compliment. And even better, I now know that have a "Paul" in Allendale, who will pour into me.
Warning. He nearly choked up as share a personal story of when he began to do ministry in this area, when his kids were young. "When I dove in to this ministry to change the community, I almost lost my family, my kids. But with my wife's support and love, and with lots of time, I had to regain the trust of my kids." I could totally see myself doing this same thing, neglecting my family for the sake of ministry. Then Joe added, "If you gain this entire community and lose your family, don't you dare tell me that you are successful."

After our discussion, we both agreed that the words he said were from God, as they were exactly what I needed as we move into this mission for our lives. And throughout the rest of that afternoon, whenever I thought about our conversation, I remembered it with tears (yes, tears) of joy, knowing that the Spirit was at work in my life, for my benefit.

I am thankful for a God who uses ordinary "joes" like us for His purposes. And I am thankful for a guy like Joe Mole who is willing to show me true love and community.

I hope you have some "ordinary joes" in your life, too.

Related Links:

You Are Not Alone
Homes Away From Home
Mission: Allendale
Living in Community (by Kathryn Sanders)
Learning Community (by Cristin Henry)

Recommended: What Did You Expect??

What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

I have already said that What Did You Expect?? (Paul Tripp) is the best marriage book I've ever read, so much so that I am reading through it for the second straight year. Going beyond the level of marital skills, Tripp reminds us that before we can succeed in "horizontal" relationships (such as with our spouse), we must focus on the "vertical" one (with God). Any hope in my marriage can never rest on my own skills or my spouse's marriage, but in the redeeming power of grace of our Creator and Savior.

For us, this book has led to some great and much-needed (though very hard) discussions. God has used this resource to expose our hearts, to help us see so clearly how we idolize ourselves, instead of worshiping God and loving each other.

If you are married and do not have a copy, consider buying it as a Valentine's Day gift for yourselves. Commit to reading through it together over the next few months, taking time to discuss each chapter.

If you have read this book, can you add any thoughts (pro or con)? Do you have another marriage book that you recommend?

Related Links:

Why We Homeschool -- Part 2

This is the conclusion to yesterday's post from Kevin & Maria Weaver. One reason I wanted them to answer these questions is because of their perspective and situation. Kevin is a public school teacher, and he is passionate about that, but they homeschool their own children. It is obvious that each family's needs and dynamics are unique. A discussion on education options cannot be completely covered on this blog. I hope that these discussion points can be a springboard to your discussions with those that you are in community with.

5. How do you see this choice being something that has an impact for Christ's Kingdom? We feel that our kids are our disciples and God's word is foundational in our school day. This provides a strong base for our kids to launch from.

6. What has God taught you through all of this? God has taught us to depend on Him and take each child and each school year as it comes. God has taught us that this is such a short season with our children and being a part of this precious gift God has given us through the time we've had with them is priceless.

7. What do you want to remind families who also homeschool? Do your homework, consult with others to help avoid unmet expectations. It may not go the way you envision it, so be open to God's leading. Enjoy learning with them!

8. What do you want to share with families who chose another schooling option? Currently, we are very happy with our decision. There are pros and cons to any choice. Each family deserves consideration for their unique gifts, limitations, etc., and what works for one family (or child) may not be a good fit for another.

Questions or thoughts? Anything you can add? Leave it in the comments. Thank you, Weavers!!

Stay tuned for next week as we interview a family whose children are in private school.

Related Link:

Response to "A Case for Homeschooling"

Why We Homeschool -- Part 1

Over the next couple of weeks, I'll post interviews of families that we know, who have chosen different education routes for their children. I hope this can be an aid and encouragement to you parents who have school-age children, as you make decisions on what schooling option is best for your family. (You can also see our bullet point list of notes that we compiled years ago.) Starting us off are Kevin & Maria Weaver, representing the home school perspective.

1. Tell us about your family. We are a family of 6. Our sons are 10 years old (5th grade) and 4 years old (pre-K). Our daughters are 8 years old (3rd grade) and 6 years old (K-5). Dad is a 6th-grade public school teacher. Mom used to be an occupational therapist in the public schools, and now a stay-at-home mom (a.k.a. homeschooler and janitor and cafeteria worker).

2. Why have you chosen the schooling option you did? We homeschool because we want the opportunity to teach our children with a God-centered education while building a deeper relationship with them. It also provides us an opportunity to meet the individual learning styles of each child. An unexpected plus has also been the benefit we've experienced from the conversation we've had. Dialogue is huge for language, self-expression, and so many endless areas of learning. In a typical classroom, dialogue is limited.

3. What do you like most about the option you chose? We like being an integral part of directing our children's spiritual and academic growth. We feel like this developmental time in the lives of our children is so key to who they become. Our desire is for our children to be a light in this world, bringing glory to God and honoring Him. We want them to willingly be counter to our culture and keep their eyes raised to eternal rewards. We have a great opportunity to build their confidence in their beliefs, abilities, gifts, and knowledge. We also like that focused instruction is maximized and we can have little wasted time. Due to milieu in school, focused teaching time can be hampered. We also value the "class size" of homeschooling as well as the opportunity to work more on areas of weakness and not belabor areas that come easily to them. With one-on-one instruction, we feel confident about their level of learning and can trust they aren't falling through the cracks in certain areas. We also like the freedom to make learning more fun, spontaneous and experiential; this includes nature walks, going to the polls to vote, or learning fractions through a recipe while cooking in the kitchen.

4. What do you wish was different? What do you feel like your children may miss out on? Our children don't get a sense of classroom/school community. A co-op can give a small but limited experience of this. They also miss out on the chance to have to cooperate with classroom routine/structure and come under authority of someone who isn't their mom. Group dynamics also aren't as developed due to the lack of exposure to peers.

If you have thoughts or questions about these, please leave a comment. If it's specifically directed to the Weavers, we'll make sure they get you an answer.

Be sure to come back tomorrow to read the rest of the interview.

Big Group Coaches

image courtesy of eagle102.net via flickr

It was a couple of years ago, in late spring or early summer, when I spoke with a fellow staff member in Children’s Ministry. Our church had just grown to four services, over two campuses, and she was responsible for scheduling all the Big Group volunteers (drama, band, AV) for each service. That often meant that even last minute changes came through her over the weekend, via email or phone.

As we recognized that our church was continuing to grow, that this responsibility that feel to her was not sustainable. Scheduling these volunteers (probably a total of 50-60 folks) consumed about 30% of her time. Plus, we were robbing others of the opportunity to take on a leadership role, as I described in 4 Great Reasons to Have Volunteer Coaches. We had already been using Coaches for Small Group (classroom) volunteers, but never for Big Group; I wanted to implement Big Group Coach role.

But this staff person came back with me the reasons why she wanted to continue having the responsibility to schedule volunteers:

“We had never had Coaches for Big Group before. Who would do this? What all would they do?”
“I know who is best for each part, especially in our skits. Someone else wouldn’t know that.”
“What would I do with the rest of my time? I don’t know what that would look like.”
“What if it doesn’t work? How would we undo all of this?”

In each of these points, she was absolutely correct, and I told her so. We had never had this role before, and didn’t know what type of person to do this, or how it would go. And these new Coaches probably wouldn’t do as good of a job as this staff person was doing. And I had no idea how she would use her newfound time. But I asked her to pursue this and try it for 6 months. If it was going horribly, we would scrap it and find another solution (like hiring a part-time person to do this scheduling).

We learned a lot as we moved forward. We raised up some Coaches that were already serving on that team (band or drama) already, and some who came from other service areas. These Coaches started connecting with their teams, and learning where everyone needed to fit in. We had some kinks to work out, but I feel like this was one of the best things implemented in Children’s Ministry while I was on staff.

And I knew this was true when I had chances to hear this staff person talk to people from other churches. She always included something like, “You know what we did that made a huge difference for us? We started using Coaches . . .” This staff member had more time to give to developing curriculum and more time for equipping leaders. Even better for her personally, she had some breathing room. She rarely got any more Saturday afternoon phone calls or emails, in which she needed to figure out a solution.

Even if your church is small, I encourage you to make steps in this direction. Equip others to be leaders of leaders. If you are a growing ministry and have a least a couple of dozen volunteers, you need to be planning for the future. In the short term, things may suffer, but in the long-term this will be a blessing to you and others.

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