Let Your Kids Evaluate You

I get an email almost every day from All Pro Dad, which contains links to stories, tips, and questions for evaluation.  In just a few seconds, I can scan the email and determine whether that day's topic applies to me and if I need to take an action step.  About half the time it does apply, and the rest of the time I just delete the email.  Most of the action items involve a simple question to ask my children or wife.  This has been a simple and easy tool that has helped me lead and engage my family.

Not too long ago, the email was for a Kids Quiz, which consists of 12 questions that my children needed to answer, as a way to evaluate how I am doing as a father. It was a multiple choice format, with questions like, "Does your dad spend time with you?", "Do you all eat together as a family?", and "Does your dad know your friends?" 

I gave a copy to Hannah and Elijah (separately), and I asked them to take the quiz.  I stressed for them to be honest, and I think they were.  I explained to them that this was a great way for me to learn and grow, and to show my kids that they can actually help me become a better man.  Also, it was a great way to model humility for my kids (they need to see me want to grow).

Their responses were a combination of challenging and encouraging; most were very positive.  Here's a sampling of some of their answers that may indicate some areas I need to take to heart:

• Elijah said that he wants me to spend more time with him.
• Both said that I know only a little bit about their friends.
• Elijah said that he's not sure how much time we'd spend together when he moves out of the house.  That concerned me at first, but upon talking to him more, I figured that he meant it from his perspective, not mine.  He knew that when he is an adult his primary focus will not be me, but his own family.

Dads, I encourage you to try this quiz for yourself, and also to sign up for the daily email, called the Play of the Day.  (Moms, there is a companion site called iMOM.)

And if you want to go deeper on this particular topic, here are 10 Sacrifices a Good Father Makes for His Child.   

Anyone else going to let their kids evaluate you? 

Related Links:

• What Sons and Daughters Need from Their Dads  
• Best and Hardest Things    

A Punch in the Arm

image courtesy of .A.A via flickr

In Don't Change the Rules, I talked about how our kids have been enjoying playing the "Punch Buggy" game.  I was relieved that, unlike my experience as a child, I didn't have to deal with them beating each other up physically.  My older brother and other friends left countless bruises on me.  (I, in turn, tattled on them countless times, so it all worked out.)

But I did have to teach my kids that even more important than keeping peace with each other is being willing to sacrificially love each other and put others first.  We had to get to the heart of the issue, to expose how they created a system that managed a difficult situation.

But we do the same thing, right?  We change the system and manipulate our circumstances in order to keep ourselves from dealing with the root issues.  For example:

1. When we have a conflict with someone in our church, we avoid eye-contact so we don't have to try to be pleasant and kind.  We might even intentionally walk the other way when we see them.  It's much easier to just not talk to them.  
2. Even worse (I think), when we are in conflict and tension, we do smile and exchange pleasantries, ignoring the fact that there is a real rift in the relationship, we refuse to address it with them in a loving and God-honoring way.
3. When a friend asks, "How are you?" we instinctively say "Fine" with a smile, instead of sharing the burden in our heart.  I'll never forget the time years ago when I asked a friend how he was doing, and he honestly replied, "I'm tired.  Really and deeply tired."  
4. Instead of engaging your spouse when he or she hurts you, you keep it in, creating an illusion of peace, versus using that opportunity to grow in oneness.
5. When you feel slighted by another, it's easier to talk about it with a third party, instead of addressing it directly with the offender. 

God doesn't want us to create a false peace.  He wants our hearts to worship Him alone, and to put away the idols of self, security, and comfort.  And He wants to expose and break our hearts, no matter how much it hurts in the short term.  

And trust me, that exposing and breaking hurts -- more than a hard punch in the arm from my big brother.

Is My Child Ready for Baptism? Probably Not.

In yesterday's post, I gave an overview of what baptism is and who it is for. Today, I will try to give direction for how this applies to parents of young children.

A young child's faith and belief system are very interlocked with that of his parents. However, as the child ages, his thinking becomes less dependent on the parents. For example, we almost never find a healthy and mature 7-year-old who has immature or dysfunctional parents, but we see it much more often with teenagers. Older children have more opportunities to struggle, to sin, to love, to pursue their own things. These opportunities give parents the chance to assess where the child is spiritually, or even for the child to make their own decisions about spiritual growth.

In the previous post, I made the case that a candidate for baptism must have an understanding of the Gospel, a living faith and trust in Christ, and a conscience that cries out for cleansing. The important thing to note is that all three factors must be present, not just the first two. My experience has been that:

1. Virtually all children can learn the Gospel message, as long as they have sufficient training and discipleship.
2. Most children (again, those who are being discipled) are growing in trust, wisdom, and obedience.
3. Very few children (especially before around middle school age) have come to a point where they are crying out in repentance. 

This third point is crucial. For salvation and baptism, one needs more than mere theological understanding, and more than a simple response to these facts. After all, even demons believe in one God, and they have an emotional response of fear (James 2:19). It is noteworthy that the first two factors listed above depend heavily on parents and other adults to disciple (although the Holy Spirit must also be at work). However, the third factor -- a conscience that has been pierced -- is completely a work of the Holy Spirit.

Baptism should be a meaningful experience for all believers, and it is my experience that most young children should wait until at least middle school age (or late elementary school, at the earliest) before becoming baptized. But even if your child is preschool- or elementary-age, now is a great time to begin discussing salvation and baptism with him. For additional information about this topic, see the website for Grace Church (Greenville, SC).

You can find additional resources for parents in the section regarding children age 12 and under. In particular, you should listen to the two audio recordings from an event we did a few years ago, about Shepherding Your Child Through Salvation and Baptism.

And especially for young children, if he has never seen someone being baptized (because of involvement with Children's Ministry programming or Children's Church), make sure you let him sit with you sometime. It will be a great aid to your dialogue.

I'd love your thoughts, comments, and questions.


Related Links:

• Is My Son Ready for Baptism?
• Why I Chose to Be Baptized      
• When Should My Children Be Baptized (by Tim Challies) 

Is My Child Ready for Baptism? Theology Is Needed.

A few weeks ago, our older two children joined us in the adult worship service.  I knew that communion (the Lord's Supper) was being offered, so I made sure to let Elijah know ahead of time that he would not be taking communion with Joanna, Hannah, and I.  Why?  He has not yet been baptized, and I believe that baptism should precede communion.  I know that others may disagree with this theology, so in another post I give some reasoning for why baptism should precede communion.

(Understandably, Elijah was somewhat upset that he would be left out of communion.  Sure, I could have just let him take communion; that sure would have been made us both feel better.  But, as I explained to him, I am responsible for leading him in this area of discipleship.  If I let him do this but he is not ready in God's eyes, then God would hold both him and me accountable for our actions.  Also, I hope that by letting him struggle with this issue, that I can use it to drive him towards the Gospel.)

Before we ask, "Is my child ready to be baptized?" we must be clear on what baptism is.  It is clear from scripture that baptism is an ordinance that Christ gave the church, as a one-time act of obedience that is an outward testimony of a person's belief in Christ.  So, baptism is directly connected to a person's relationship with Christ. Therefore, even a bigger question than "Is my child ready to be baptized?" is "Is my child a true believer in and follower of Jesus Christ?"

While only the Lord can truly know the spiritual condition of someone's heart, in practical terms we can look for three things to help us discern where our children are:

1. Understanding of the truth of the Gospel.  The candidate for baptism must know and be able to articulate truth about Jesus, sin, salvation, baptism, etc.
2. Trust in Christ.  This trust is best demonstrated by how the person responds to and makes decisions based on truth.  Works do not determine salvation, but they are an indication of faith (James 2:14-17).  It's not that anyone who has been redeemed will live perfectly, but someone who has had a true heart conversion should be living out a pattern of obedience. 
3. A conscience that cries out for cleansing.  For example, in Acts 2:27-38, we see where the people's hearts were pierced by the Gospel, and Peter told them to repent and be baptized.  

For young children, their relationship with God is primarily through their parents, and especially how they obey their parents (quickly, completely, and happily).  Be cautious -- it is often hard to distinguish between normal maturation and true heart change.

Also, if the topic of baptism comes up with your child, the first question should be "Why do you want to be baptized?"  If he or she cannot give a clear, Biblical, Gospel-centered answer, that would be a red flag for sure.

Read more tomorrow as I will try to give more direction for how all this applies to parents and leaders of young children.  For now, I'll say that, in general, while children can have a certain amount of faith that is real, most young children are not usually pursuing Christ on their own and are not eager for spiritual growth.

Has any of your children been baptized as a believer, or asked about it?  I had the awesome experience of baptizing Hannah in November 2008, and as I wrote above, we're in the process of leading Elijah in this area.

Read the next post in the series, Is My Child Ready for Baptism? Probably Not. 


Related Link:

• Is My Child A Christian? 
• Is My Son Ready for Baptism?   
• Why I Chose to Be Baptized       

Read and Share Winner

Thanks to everyone who participated in the Read and Share contest.  Being someone who's Love Language is "Words of Affirmation," I was grateful for all the feedback. I always enjoy reading comments, even as much as I enjoy writing.

Seems like the most popular posts have been about Santa, and especially the posts from a "Santa Family."  I'm trying to not be emotionally-scarred by the fact that the most popular posts are the ones I didn't even write. (Thanks again, Burns.)

So, from everyone who left a comment (except my brother, who didn't follow the rules), I randomly chose a winner, and congratulations to . . .

• Kelley Haff -- winner of a $25 gift card to Chick-Fil-A
• Jenn Davis -- since the Haff's already have this Bible, Jenn will get the Bible

Thanks to everyone for participating.  If you didn't win the Bible storybook but want to own one, you can order it from Amazon.

Please keeping on reading and sharing, and here are some tips to help you do so:

• Read:  You may want to subscribe to email updates or to RSS feeds; both options are available to the right
• Share: Have you noticed the buttons under each post?  They make it easy to share via email, Facebook, Twitter, etc. 

If you have any other questions, feel free to leave a comment or email me.

Teaching Preschoolers About the Crucifixion?

image courtesy of scazon via flickr

Next in our list of parenting questions that we've been working through was from a single mom.  She has two children who she has been teaching them about Jesus being crucified.  This has led to her 4-year-old talking more about death and being with Jesus one day.  Also, the child expressed how she doesn't like the Roman soldiers (the "bad guys") who killed Jesus.  The ex-husband doesn't like the child talking about "being excited to be with Jesus," and this mom was wondering if Jesus' crucifixion is an age-appropriate topic for preschoolers. 

I told her that I absolutely think that the crucifixion is an age-appropriate topic for young children, even toddlers.  (Of course, the specific terminology that is used can make a difference, and needs to be age-appropriate.)  The crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ are the foundations of our faith.  Nothing else matters outside of the context of these topics.

I would say that these conversations need to be part of the regular and continual dialogue that we have with our children.  Here are some basic principles that should be incorporated into these dialogues:

• God created us and loves us.
• We are all sinners who do not deserve to be near God.
• God cannot be near sin, so our sin needs to be dealt with if we want to be with God.
• We can never be good enough or work hard enough to deal with our sin.
• God sent Jesus, who was fully God and fully man.
• Jesus died on the cross, to take the punishment for our sins.
• After 3 days, Jesus rose from the dead, proving His power over sin and death.
• Through faith in Jesus' life, death, and resurrection, we can have eternal life with God.

As far as the child expressing dislike for the "bad guys", we need to remember that our call is to love everyone.  Even more, we are ALL the same as those "bad guys."  It's because of our sin that Jesus died on the cross; we are just as guilty, if not more so, than those soldiers or anyone else.

Bernard and I (Nairobi, Dec 2007)

What a great opportunity to talk to our children about life and death!  We should be excited about being with Jesus.  I am reminded of the sermon by our partner in Kenya, Bernard Kabaru, who taught at our church last fall.  With all the suffering that Bernard sees day by day, part of him can't wait for Jesus to return, to put and end to suffering and death.  But part of him wants Jesus to wait, so that there is more time for people to come to faith in Jesus.

So, until God calls us to be with Him, our role now is to know Him more and to tell others about Him, so they can have the opportunity to be with Him, too.  You can use this topic of conversation to be stirred to action.  Talk about this with your child:

• How can we share the love of Jesus with others with our actions?
• How can we share the love of Jesus with our words?
• Who can we tell about God's great plan of redemption?
• Who can we pray for to believe in Jesus?

Related Links:

• The Meaning of the Death of Christ
• Helping Your Preschooler Understand: "What Does It Mean to Glorify God?"   

Read And Share Storybook Bible

As I've said before, I'm pretty skeptical of storybook Bibles (though I do use them).  But I promised last week that I would give a review of the Read and Share Bible, and then give away a copy.  Over the past few weeks, I've been looking through this Bible, and reading some to Sender, our 4-year-old.  There are a lot of features that I liked about this storybook Bible, including:

• Breadth of content.  There are over 200 stories in this Bible.  Many storybook Bibles cut out so much great content.  This one touches a lot of topics that others do not.
• Brevity.  Each story is just two pages, including great pictures.  This makes me and my son want to keep reading more, which is better than having each one drag out and me wanting to just be done.
• Discussion prompters.  At the end of each story, there is a question or statement that you can use to continue the discussion with your child.  I'm a big fan of dialogue and keeping the conversation going (as I described here), whether talking with adults or with children.  Thinking of life and discipleship as one big conversation seems to fit with a Deuteronomy 6:6-9 type of philosophy.
• Mostly accurate depictions.  I liked that the angels seemed to be drawn as males, and without halos.  I like that it says that Adam and Eve ate "fruit" (not an "apple").

There were a few minor things that I wish were different:

• More discussion questions.  I would have preferred fewer statements and more questions as the discussion prompters at the end of each story.  A statement tends to end conversation, while a question gives the listener (such as your child) a chance to share his or her thinking. 
• More depth of content.  I realize that this is in direct tension with me liking the brevity of the stories.  But for many of the stories, I just wished there was a little more to them.
• Pictures that instill more awe.  Angels that are a little more menacing (remember, they always caused people in the Bible to react in fear).  A bigger ark for Noah.  Just a little bit of blood.  And why do all the men have big, peach-ish noses?

Overall, I've enjoyed using the Read and Share Bible, and I would recommend it for parents and leaders of preschool-age children, maybe even up to first grade or so.  Additionally, you can get the DVD Bible, each of the four volumes has thirteen 3-minute stories.  This would be a good tool for families, and our church as used it in our weekend programming for preschoolers.  See the video trailer below, and you can order it here.

(Thanks to Thomas Nelson for providing copies of the Bible to review and give away.)

Related Link:

• Recommended Children's Bibles